I get it now. He's just not that into me, and you know what--it feels great. I mean, it sucks ass totally and completely, but there is no more confusion, no more feelings of inadequacy, of "if I do this or be like that then he will treat me better/be more interested in me/ listen/not get mad/etc/etc/etc"
For last two weeks or so--a curious phrase has been echoing through my brain. I had heard this phrase before but never explored into what it meant or the phenomena behind it. But every time R did something that seemed a little rude, inconsiderate, or made me feel bad about myself or the relationship, a little bell went off and I heard an announcement come over the loudspeaker in my head:
ding! He's just not that into you.
We have been staying in this amazing rental with the other consultant from his work. This consultant had started arousing curious feelings in me from the very beginning. Lets call him.....Eric.
Our first two weeks there, R's relationship behavior was pretty bad/weird. He was just gone most of the time, with little or no consideration for my feelings about it and pretty rude to me, plus we were fighting a bit. Things were very busy, oh darn it, I really don't have the mental energy to fill in the details. The point is that I didn't know Eric at all, and I found myself feeling slightly embarrassed in front of him. Eric would come home night after night, sometimes late, and see me there. After a few sentences of requisite small talk he would ask "Where's R?" and I would tell him wherever he was that night. At first, I tried to come across as the cool girlfriend. But soon, I started feeling ashamed for him to see me there alone--this pretty, smart, cool girl who is a good cook--being so emotionally neglected and taken for granted. I really just tried to play it cool and pretend that I wasn't bothered by my boyfriend's absence.
Eric likes to cook too. I had bought a bunch of food for the house, including three delicious looking pork chops designated to be eaten by the three of us on a designated night. Honestly, I don't remember where R was, but he was supposed to be there. While Eric and I cooked, we shared conversation and wine, and decided on the dinner menu together. There is an orange tree in the front yard, and it was his inspiration to make an orange-honey glaze for the chops. Finally, at nearly 10 pm, dinner was ready and R was nowhere to be seen nor heard from, so we ate. Yes--it stung but I was going to stash those emotions away to be dealt with at a later time. In fact, it was a curious blend of emotions, feeling so jilted in front of an audience, and the unexpected romance of this night with our roommmate. There it is, I said it. It was romantic, and I didn't care how much of it was Eric taking pity on me--I was enjoying it and I could tell that he was too.
R called in the middle of dinner. Honestly, I forget what I said and what he said. I remember feeling like I needed to cover my ass in front of Eric and to do this I tried to "playfully" chide R, like, Oh, haha you silly boy, then tell him that we were in the middle of dinner and I'll see him when he gets home. What I DO remember is getting my ass chewed out later. WAit--I remember now. He called to tell me that he was really tired and wasn't going to be home at all, that he would be sleeping over at his parent's house unless I wanted to come pick him up. Well, I was 3 glasses of wine in so there was no way I could drive, not that I would have anyway....
Wow, why am I still in a relationship with him? I like myself way more than this. Forget about him treating me like crap-- I'm treating myself like crap for putting up with this.
He called later and chewed me out for whatever it was I had said in
front of Eric saying I was making him look bad. I told him HE was
making himself look bad and that I was so embarrassed in front of this
guy that I'm sorry if what I said wasn't perfect but that what I said
was not the issue here.
Another curious thing started to happen. Eric started asking me questions. Questions that made me uneasy and that I didn't know how to answer, such as " So how are you?" and "How was your day?". At first my answers were halting and clumsy. I didn't know what to say. What startled me even more was that he waited for my responses and seemed genuinely interested in what I was going to say--"Fine" and "Good" were not sufficient and he wanted to know more. It stirs something inside of me every time he asks. It stirs feelings of sadness and longing. It stirs emotions of feeling connected to someone by being valued and listened to.
One time, he called me. He said he was going Trader Joe's, was there anything he could pick up for me? Was there anything we needed?
I was too stunned to think of anything. I think I said, "You're going to Trader Joe's??"
"Yeah, I thought I'd pick up a few things for the house. Is there anything you want?"
::stunned silence:: "Mmm.....no.....I can't think of anything. Thanks so much though."
"Are you sure? Is there anything you think we need?"
!?#!@? I tried to come up with something--anything. "Um.......mmmm.........milk? Yeah, get some milk, that would be great. Thank you so much for calling, I really appreciate it. See you when you get home, Byeeee..."
"Wait--Ok, milk. Is it alright if I get a smaller container? How about half a gallon since we don't seem to use it that fast and otherwise it might go bad?"
At this point, I was totally floored. Who is this man?
"Yeah, sure, milk in a smaller container. Sounds great. I think that's a great idea. Thanks again, see ya when ya get here, byeeee.....!"
Little things. Its so true what they say in "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", that for women, Little things make a big difference.
Listen, I don't know Eric--he's a bit of a tough nut to crack. Honestly, I don't pretend to get him in the slightest. But over the month that we've been there, I am starting to get the feeling that he likes having me around. It's possible that he's maybe even a little smitten. Not a lot, but just a bit. But even before this, the routine courtesy that he has shown me has just highlighted what is not happening in what is supposedly my most intimate relationship. It feels really good to have someone WANT you to be around. One night when the three of us were eating dinner, I mentioned that I might be heading back to SF the next week. What happened made my heart skip. R's face didn't change at all, and Eric's face fell, so instantly and obviously that I swear I saw him glance to make sure R didn't notice.
On Thursday, there was the straw that broke the camel's back. Just a tiny fluffy little straw. I didn't even care. Not really. In the beginning of the day, R said that after work, he was going to check the waves at the beach. If there were no waves, he would come home. If it was good, he was going to call me to come meet him. That was a fine plan in my book.
6:30 pm rolls around. Eric comes into the livingroom and sits down in a chair opposite me with his new Mac. "Hey, so R wanted me to tell you to meet him at the beach. His cell battery is dead." I look up. They had carpooled to work that day. R had just dropped Eric off, literally 2 seconds ago, in front of the house, and then drove away to go to the beach.
"Why didn't he come up?" I asked.
"Oh, uh, I guess he thought you wouldn't be home. I was supposed to call you, but you are here, so I didn't have to call you."
"Thats strange. I don't know why he would think I wasn't home, I didn't tell him I was going anywhere, and I'm usually home."
"Yeah, I don't know, he just thought you weren't going to be home....."
Hm. That's strange, but ok. So I decided to go to the library to pick up a book I wanted, and then decide if I was going to the beach. I figured if he really wanted me to go to the beach with him he would have been more sure that I was coming. So he can have that time alone if I don't show.
I went to the library. Stayed later than I intended. R called and asked if I was coming home soon, I said yeah, and went home. I made us dinner. We had a nice conversation. Both feeling pretty good. An hour goes by, two hours. We are enjoying each other's company. Then I say to him, "yeah, sorry I didn't make it to the beach. Sounds like you had a good time anyway. But that's strange--why didn't you think I was home?"
"Huh?"
"Eric said you didn't come up and went straight to the beach because you thought I wasn't going to be home."
[good-natured laughter] " Oh, he just said that because he thought you would be mad."
? perplexed half-smile on my end.......
"Yeah, I really wanted to get to the beach and didn't want you to slow me down. You take so long to get ready and I didn't have much time as it is."
"But, I don't take long to get ready anymore."
"Yeah, but if I came upstairs you would have offered me a snack, told me to rest a bit, tried to slow me down. You would have been mad if I didn't want to wait for you to get ready."
" Um, no. First of all, I have never tried to get you to eat a snack or rest when you've been rushing to go to the beach. You're confusing me with your mother. Secondly, I would not have been upset if you wanted to go ahead to the beach since that was the original plan. Third, its just weird. Why didn't you come upstairs?"
"I dunno, I just didn't want you to slow me down."
ding! He's just not that into you.
Yup, so that's it ladies and gentlemen. A three year relationship is over. It wasn't that bad, I didn't even CARE since I did not want to go to the freezing beach and watch him skimboard. But something about it was just too weird. It makes me feel all creepy crawly to even write about it right now.
That night, I went to bed with the time bomb ticking away. Tick tock tick tock, I'm leaving tomorrow, I'm leaving tomorrow. And when I woke up in the morning, the clock was still ticking away, louder than before, I'm leaving today, I'm leaving today.
And then--I left.
So.....I am here in San Francisco.
When I left, I didn't know I was breaking up with R, I just knew that I was leaving San Francisco.
One thing I will miss when I leave is the public library. Since that phrase has been repeating inside my head, I decided to check out the book and see if there was something relevant in there for me. The branch 2 blocks from my house happened to have the "He's Just Not That Into You" book on CD. I have listened to it, and honestly, I think it is going to change my romantic life from here on out.
Since I've been gone, I've gotten deep loving phone calls and text messages.
He texted me saying "Come back asap. I miss you and I want to be with you" and " Sigh I suppose i've lost you for good this time. You damn angel offering paradise. I may just have to repent and accept your offer". He's saying he is going to follow me and we'll be together and he'll stop living this out-of-whack life he's living.
The other night, he was saying how much he was missing me and how he
felt sad. I said, you know, you've never once asked me how I'm
feeling. A minute later, he said he had an "epiphany". That it had
not OCCURRED to him before to ask me how I'm feeling. At first, I
thought this was kinda cool, progress, and it felt good for him to
ask.
As of writing this, I have not packed a single thing. I feel terrible dismantling the cozy home we have. I think that maybe I'm doing the wrong thing. I want to take my bookshelf and feel a twinge of guilt, like I'm taking something away from him and will make him sad. I think that I'm just acting out and I don't mean what I'm doing.
Last night, he sends me a text message at 10:30 at night that read I wrote that letter so you can send yours now too. [it was an errand he had completed] Love you goodnight.
Um, no. I called him and told him not to text message me anymore unless it was something that warranted a text message. Don't text me goodnight. Oh, well, he said he almost didn't write the goodnight part. Even worse dude, don't text me at 10:30 at night to tell me you have completed an errand and have that be the last thing I hear from you before bed.
ding! He's just not that into you!
Then, he asked rather awkwardly "how are you feeling?" I said I was feeling like he is just not that into me. That when a girl is breaking up with you that you really truly care about, you do not TEXT her to tell her goodnight. You call. Well--he didn't want to get into a big conversation.
DING DING DING DING DING!!!! HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!
You know
what? Gag me with a freakin spoon! This is pathetic and unacceptable. Scraps from the table of love. And I'm over it. If he is that into me, he will follow and grovel and do anything and everything to get me back. And if not, thats ok. There is someone out there who will be very into me. Someone who will be as into me and I am into him, and maybe even more so.
Well everyone, I've gotta cut this short for now, I have some packing to do. And I'm going to take my bookshelf and not feel the least bit bad about it. The only thing I feel bad about is the fact that it has taken me this long to realize what is really going on, and respect myself enough to leave.
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