One girl's mid-20's Life Crisis

Can't seem to get my head in the game

I just can't seem to get my head back in the game.

Had an amazing (and eventful) trip to Santa Barbara.  Both boyfriend and I were offered jobs down there.  He cannot take the offer that was presented to him, though he was very tempted by it.

I felt happy again.  Healthy.  On Friday I drove down by myself and had a very nice drive.  Stopped by a hot spring I know about, hiked up, and got naked in nature.  It was incredible.  I didn't see another person the whole time.  At first I was frightened to take my clothes off out in the middle of nowhere and climb into a slightly gucky pool of water.  I am so glad I summoned up the guts to do it--it was a restorative and healing experience, and I am filled with gratitude that I was able to experience something like that in my life.  As soon as I figure out how to transfer images from my phone,  i will post some photos.

Went surfing Sat. and Sunday.  I'm not very good, but I did catch a couple waves.  Again--being in the safe Santa Barbara ocean, in the sun....just such happiness. I began to think about creative things, such as a greeting card I once drafted, and the camping invention ideas.  I found that thinking of these things put a smile on my face, and I felt a buoyancy of spirit. 

Sunday we hung out with his family, who I really like, and no visit to SB would seem complete without getting to see them.  Things were very busy Fri. and Sat. and so we only saw them for a few minutes.  Boyfriend's mom and I went to see a house up the street that is for sale.  She accidentally introduced me as her daughter, which is very sweet.  We became very excited about this house.  The house itself is not much to look at, but its on a beautiful almost 8,000sq ft lot, with a terraced garden and oak trees in the back.  Its on the same street Boyfriend grew up on--a street so charming that there have been articles written about it.  Furthermore, we learned that the property is going into foreclosure.  So thats a bad thing for the current owner, but it means that we might be able to get it at a rate lower than we could get anything else in SB. 

2 am

I can't sleep.  Thats not entirely true.  I haven't tried to sleep.  I'm not tired, and I do not want to go to sleep yet, but I am afraid of the consequences of not sleeping. 

Today was really stressful.  One of those days where the pressure is on and there are more things to be done than there is time to do them in, and they need to be done because there is a deadline.  Running at top speed the whole time, feeling frantic but trying not to appear frantic. That was today, and I'm still pretty wound up from it.  I have at least one drink almost every night of the week, but the night I probably could use it the most, I want it the least.  No, tonight I want to burn down to the nub.  Until I run out of gas.  Thought about getting in my car and heading down to Santa Barbara.  I am supposed to drive down there early tomorrow.  Its a 6 hour drive.  Didn't do that because its raining right now, and I think it would be too unsettling to Boyfriend, and knowing myself, I'd get to some nowhere stretch of darkness between King City and San Luis Obispo and have to stop and rest.

By the way, Boyfriend will be in Santa Barbara this weekend also.  However, he is flying down.  Why?  Because he goes with the damned flow in a way that is often very beneficial for his career/social life/etc, but that pisses me off and often, leaves me in the dust.  This company is paying for him and a colleague to fly down, and I couldn't afford to buy a ticket.  Its just--I dunno.  I'm the one that wanted to go down to SB this weekend, I wanted him to coordinate for his thing to happen at the same time, which it did--but coincidentally, not expressly.  I'm the one that wants to move to SB, like, yesterday.  He started doing some networking for his company, and bam!  All this stuff is happening.  Contracts in SB.  There is talk of them opening an office there.  He will be going down to work there for a month soon.  But I'm like, nowhere in the equation, despite the fact that I was the driving force behind it.  I didn't come on here to start bitching about Boyfriend.  But now I'm thinking I will just pack my shit and head out if thats what I want to do.  He did not consult me or consider me in any of his planning, so why should I consider him in mine?  See that shit right there?  That's the tit-for-tat thats been going on lately.  Like theres a fucking balance sheet between us.  Like we're in competition, keeping score.  Which is totally not my scene.

(last night, three of us were in a cab, Boyfriend was on the phone with his dad.  Heard him say, "Um, maybe.  Yeah, I think she might be coming down."  I said, haha, excuse me?  What do you mean, MAYBE you think I MIGHT be coming down?  "What do you mean?  I didn't say maybe.  I said you were coming."  No you didn't.  "You make things up!  I didn't say it like that."  His friend: Uh, yeah dude, actually, you did.)

So like, now I don't wanna go in case he's got some weird subconscious not-wanting-me-to-come thing.  But on the other hand, I'm like, fuck it, I've been planning this trip for a month.  And 98% chance once we're down there we will have a good time.  He's a fucking spaz nut until we leave the city.  He's like a cat that somebody left alone locked in a bedroom for a long weekend.

I am also feeling a little jealous for reasons I am having difficulty articulating.  Maybe because I feel left out/left behind in regards to the situation above.  Also, he's going home.  Gram died this time last year, almost a year now, and that was my only 'home' like place.  I'm thinking about her a lot lately, but don't have the time to be sad, which is not healthy for me right now.  I haven't had time to be sad for a year.  For a year I've not been dealing with the emotions.  It hasn't been really real to me, because after she died I went back to my job like 2 days later.  In retrospect, I don't think I should have done that, but hindsight is 20-20, sort of.  Its easy for me to say that now, but I feel like things happen along a certain course for a reason.  Its weird, because there are different sads that I need to process.  There is the sad from watching her get sick suddenly, and along with that, the sad of seeing her in so much pain.  There's the sad of her being the last of my caretakers.  I wrote about my mom a little bit in an earlier post, but its different.  My two grandmothers were the ones who really got me through--one through the first half of my life, and Gram through the second.  There's the sad of how hard I had to fight to try to protect her in her last days.  Against Hospice, because they almost had us dehydrate/mediate her to death.  Against her insane alcoholic live-in daughter.  I was Gram's guard dog, I slept on the floor next to her bed.  This was not a peaceful death process--shit went down.  Thankfully, at the very end, things were calm and peaceful. 

The sad that I'm feeling now though is just the sad of missing her.  We were great friends.  She told me things she had never told anyone ever before and had me promise never to repeat.   A few times I've had the impulse to call her and tell her something, or just thinking I'd like to see her, and then realize that I can't call her.  That I can't talk to her.  I do still talk to her, with my heart.  And sometimes she answers back, which I know sounds crazy, but I'll tell you my life-after-death stories another time.  Its so tempting to go back and regret all those times I was so close to going down to visit, but didn't.  Its just weird, you know, something is there, and then its gone, and once its gone it seems so obvious that you should have taken the chance when you had it, though at the time there was no pressing need. 

I am afraid I will forget.  I never could remember her stories, but I want to so desperately.  I am hopeful that everything is recorded in my subconscious mind, and either it will bubble up to the surface and burst in a moment of clarity, or I will try hypnosis and see if I can get it out that way.  She told me on several occasions that as you get older, you start to remember a lot of things about your childhood and your past that you never remembered before.  That when you're younger, you're too busy living and doing and just getting by, but that its all stored up inside and comes swirling back later.

My grandma was so cool.  She wore poodle skirts and bobby socks and loved Elvis.  She was a 15 year old sophomore at Grand Rapids High when she got pregnant, and was married soon thereafter to my then 18 year old grandfather.  She said, "I didn't even know I had a choice. My mother just told me that I was getting married.  If someone had asked me, I would have said no!"  Partly because of this, and just because of who she was, she was the most unconditionally loving person I've ever known.  Everyone went to grandma when they really screwed up--because she never judged you for it.  It never counted against you.  It was a feature of greatness but one that came with a heavy emotional price tag, because some people took advantage of it. 

My family made their money in the sex industry.  My grandfather had a very successful strip club, and opened a lingere and adult gift store which he put grandma in charge of.  So we always talked candidly (though not explicitly), and every once in a while, out of nowhere, she would say something like, "And don't EVER let some guy, a boyfriend or ANYONE take naked pictures of you.  You NEVER KNOW where that will end up.  Just--DON'T do it!", as she held my gaze.  I didn't tell her that it was too late for that, it would have just upset her too much.  Not because I had done it, but because it would be too late to save me from a fate of being exploited all over the internet or whatever she was worried about.

Christmas, my sister bought her some underwear, but got the full coverage briefs.  Thus ensued a conversation about panties--she prefers french cut.  She tried wearing thongs but couldn't get used to them--it was like having a permanent weg.  Thankfully, I think I have this on video somewhere. 

Wow, its really storming outside. Its also 3:30 am.  Probably not the best idea for me to leave right now. 

  

Dichotomy

Dichotomy:

My checking account is -$87.53.

I just made my company $100,000

I am scrounging dimes to have money for lunch--not quarters--I need those for laundry.

Received an offer on one of my listings today.

Rent was due yesterday.

In lease negotiations on another listing

The seams in my suit are unraveling.

Just got back from a meeting with a 27 year old who wants to put an all cash offer in on a building. He owns more apartment buildings than I can count on two hands.

I owe $600 in outstanding parking tickets.

Driving to Santa Barbara tomorrow to look at property and interview with a company.

Have enough room on my credit card for gas to get there. 

Not sure I have enough to get back.

 

The grass is always greener...?

I am about to commit sacrilege by saying this, but:  I don't like living in San Francisco.  If I had been writing yesterday rather than today, I would have said "I hate San Francisco".  But I don't hate San Francisco.  I just hate living here.  But, as today has shown me, I don't necessarily hate working here.  Hmmm...so I hate living here, but like working here. 

I spent most of yesterday pouting and being a bitch to Boyfriend because he "made" me eat somewhere that I didn't want to eat.  That definitely set me off, but what was underlying it is that I felt caged.  Unless it's raining, I can't stand being in the city on the weekends.  Thankfully life is hectic enough that I seem to be out of town a lot, but not this last weekend.  People talk about how there is so much to do in the city, but what?  Most of it involves spending money, and its always go go go.  I do that all week.  There's nowhere to just BE. 

The city is unrelenting.  It seems like there's nowhere you can escape the buildings and the crazies.

Well.....

You can go shopping.  There's fantastic shopping.  Well too bad for me I hate shopping because it stresses me out, I have no sense of fashion and anyway, I'm broke. 

You can go out to eat.  There are many wonderful restaurants in the city, and lucky me I have a boyfriend who will treat me.  But...I eat everyday, and I really enjoy having a nice meal every now and again, it's not what I DO.  We've done that before--gone to a restaurant because we were hungry and couldn't think of anything else to do--and honestly?  Its kind of depressing. Plus, half the time when you want to go to a restaurant, everyone else in the city had the same idea you did, and the place is packed. 

Cafe sitting is very popular.  Unfortunately, it lacks the charm of cafe sitting in Europe. ( I could go into the reasons for this but choose not to for the moment.) I actually really enjoy going to cafes--when I have work to do.  Which is what most everyone else is doing there as well.   Furthermore, I sit inside of a building for most of my week.  When I've gone to a cafe on the weekend, I'm just sitting in a building with a different paint job. 

Sure, you can head to one of the city's many parks and try to wrangle some turf to call your own.  Ahh.  Isn't this great?  Sharing a dog pissed patch of green surrounded by buildings with 400 of your neighbors.  One park I'm thinking of has a concrete staircase wider than my apartment running through the middle of it.  There staircase does not go anywhere, except, to the top of the park.  

You if you want something more naturey you can head to Golden Gate Park.  I did this once, seeking out the solace and beauty of nature.  What I found was this man:

Starting over 078

It may be difficult to tell from the photo what is going on here. He is balanced on top of what appears to be a saxophone case juggling three long aladdin style knives. I guess that's pretty cool.  Except, um, the large bandage on his right forearm (circled in red).

  I'll just walk deeper into the park, and naturally, the crowds will subside...

Aphordite 049

  

Apparently not.

What do I expect?  San Francisco is one of the most dense urban centers in the United States, (though people who come here from Manhattan find it provincial). I think it's an awesome place to visit, but living here just isn't for me. 

What is?  Where else would I want to be?  Ideally, Santa Barbara.  I'd settle for San Diego but not permanently.  Hawaii.  Bordeaux, France.  I'm pretty picky. 

But sometimes I just feel so trapped here, as though there is nowhere to run.  Nowhere to hide, except in my little apartment. 

I am trying to make the best of my time here--appreciate its charms and idiosyncrasies and as for the rest, well, realize that its not permanent.

So , to keep things as...

So , to keep things as consistent as possible, here is what happened after my last post.  That night, in bed, we just talked. I asked him about the lunch with his ex. I told him that he seemed distant, and wanted to know if that had anything to do with it.  He said that they had a good lunch, and she wasn't mad at him, they just talked over old times.  It was a very happy time for both of them--his last carefree summer.  Whereas he is from Santa Barbara, I am not, and moved in with my dad and my sister in Long Beach for a little while. We both graduated,and looking back, I have no clue why I didn't just stay in SB and get a full-time job.  I guess leaving just seemed like what I was supposed to do.  I visited a few times that summer and I have to admit, in my heart I am still jealous of that golden beachy happy time. 

So he said that it wasn't seeing her that's made him more distant.  He just had a really great visit home and really misses it, and seeing J made him nostalgic for that feeling of fun and freedom.  That he's really not happy with his life right now and is withdrawing a bit. 

I told him I feel like there is this whole part of me he doesn't know--because he's so in his own head.  His answer surprised me--he said, I know you're getting wanderlusty.  I know you've been having doubts about our relationship.  I know you're starting to do really well at your job but are not sure you wanna stick with it.

Hm.  So, he's more observant than I give him credit for.

I told him some of my doubts.  They are mostly connected with travel, but also with the feeling that he's not really engaged with what is happening in my world.

He  said, "I'm nowhere near ready to get married."

Why do you say that? I asked.  Have I been putting pressure on you?

Well, you told me that if I don't marry you I'm wasting your time.  I really really love you, and love being with you, and I think I wanna be with you forever, but I can't promise anything.

Ohhh.  Yeah.  I totally forgot I said that to him.  Well, I take it back.  For some reason, I feel less and less ready to get married. And its not specific to him, its not like I'm fed up with him or found some personality flaw that is giving me second thoughts.  Its just that the thought of getting married is starting to scare me.   I realize that I really enjoy my freedom.  Even though we're in a committed relationship, I can go wherever I want and pretty much do whatever (but not whomever!) I want, and he can't really stop me.  We can be apart on Easter and that's totally ok. 

He thought maybe it was the city.  This place does seem to drive people apart rather than bring them together.  Seems to make people more individualistic in some ways. 

Somewhat ironically, that night exemplifies one of the things that is great about our relationship.   We communicated frankly, openly, both knowing that half of what we were saying is just talk, not truth set in stone, but searching minds trying to make sense of ourselves and the world.  Our conversation was not limited to words, our bodies spoke as well, such a perfection fusion of emotion, body and soul, connected together as intimately as a man and woman can be.  I do not know how many other people get to experience this with a lover, but I know it is special, incredibly beautiful, and in a way, almost sacred.  Our minds are only one part of equation and often not enough on their own.  There is a language that superceeds words--and with R and me, our hearts and bodies touch together and speak to eachother. We are bound together by a force of nature and the divine, flowing together like water at the junction of two streams. When these places come together it forms a sphere of truth in which all that is extraneous falls away and we experience only what is absolute.  In that place we have encountered the pure love we share. To be so fully encompassed by the soul of another, while at the same time, fully encompassing them, is, as I said earlier, nothing short of sacred. 

I do not know why it is we share this soul connection.  if i have been away for a while, he is sometimes startled at the sight of me.  He says its as though he is looking into a mirror. 

As individuals, and as a couple, we are passionate, petty, flawed and confused. We live in the world and are affected by it.  But we share a love that is somehow greater. 

Honestly, it doesn't matter if we end up getting married or not.  I will never regret the time we've shared, even if it ends in boredom or heartbreak.

Ok.  Now to be completely random.  I've been low-carbing it for about 3 weeks now, and I've lost 6 pounds!  Its insane!  Last week I ate an entire package of macadamia nuts!  I'm now under the 120 lbs mark and feel so much better.  I could still lose some more weight,(I have a small frame, and a good weight for me is 105) but already I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin. 

Vaguely discontent with BF for questionable reasons

Usually, when I feel this way its one of two things happening:  Either I am picking up on something that's going on with him, or there is an issue that needs to come to the surface.

Our lives are just so jammed packed full, every single day, there precious little time that we're actually relating.  Things were really great there for a while, he was "falling for me" again. he definitely has seemed smitten lately, though I've been kinda preoccupied.  He went home for the easter weekend and since he's been back things are not the same.  They're not bad, but its just different, you know? 

I feel strange.  Right now, in this moment, I feel ambivalent.  Like I could take him or leave him. I am not sure why that is, because we are very attached. Something has switched over inside of me and I am no longer waiting for him to 'decide' if he wants to keep me.  (as in, marriage).  He is no longer the deciding factor in whether or not I stay in SF.  I mean, if he got a job in Hawaii or something, or wanted to throw it all away and go traveling, i'd probably be right there.  Really, the ambivalence is just speculation on my part, knowing me I'd get to my car and go crying back upstairs. 

Much of this transformation into a woman that I mentioned earlier is about setting boundaries.  Its about saying This is where I end and you begin.  Its about saying "No" rather than "Yes", and not apologizing for it, both out in the world and in relationships.  Even within myself. 

I forget how this came up, but he was, I dunno, upset about something I said at party.  We spoke over the phone, and part jokingly, part sarcastically, and part seriously, I told him to bullet point it out for me and email it over. 

So.....he did.

To be fair, I am "guilty" of at least half of what he wrote in the email.   We spoke that night--he was saying "If I'm going to be with you, you're gonna HAVE to do this, etc, etc"  I was basically like, ok, for some of this you really do have a point, but you know what?  I'm not perfect, and I definitely WANT to be socially appropriate and will try hard to do so, but I am NOT going to start censoring myself.  I am not going to weigh and measure every word before I say something.  I am a person who is very candid and very open.   I know I have room to improve, but some of this is never going to go away, and thats a good thing. This is who I am.  You're not going to shape me into a terrine so that I make you look good at a dinner party.  And if you did, you would be losing out on some of what makes me cool. 

He said I might have a point.  I do not know if he accepted this and now respects me more for it, or if he's feeling like its a dealbreaker.  This could be the source of the rift.

Or.....it could be the lunch he had with his ex over the weekend that he forgot to tell me about.  I stole him from her, kinda. It was a nebulous situation, but he was most definitely her boyfriend for a time.  That was almost three years ago, so.......I win!  .  A little detective work leads me to  think that (despite her long term bf) she might have him on her mind again.   He's very attractive, much more so than her current man, so I'm sure when she saw him some of those feelings were roused again. I know he's not interested in her, but could be a factor in the distant vibe.  

I will admit that I have difficulty, due to the fact that I have a hard time reading social cues and I sometimes have no clue that what I'm saying is socially awkward or uncouth.  Oddly, sometimes I am ON and almost scary good at it. 

When I got this email, it made me want to both laugh and scream at him.  

Hey baby,

sorry to make you sad earlier.  Don't take this as criticism!!  I've known this about you for a long time and it's something I like about you :)  M V is exactly the same way.

Anyway, here's a list of things which are appropriate to tell people and things that are inappropriate.  For anything not on the list, if you wonder whether it's appropriate or not, it's probably not.  Also, generally anything that makes you or I or us look bad is not appropriate.  Or at the very least will make whoever you're talking to feel uncomfortable.

So here goes:

Not appropriate:

- Anything about us having sex

- Anything about current medical problems (eg, "R tore his ass snowboarding!"  Or, "I've had this weird rash for a week now...")

- Anything between me and my family or you and your family that you or I happen to be privy to only because we've seen it or are now closer to the family.  This includes my sister and I fighting, my mom and dad fighting, your dad being in jail, your mom being crazy, your sister's problems, my mom being over weight, the fact that we share socks, pretty much ANYTHING that someone wouldn't already know having never met us.

- The breast feeding thing.  Duh.

- SN having a c-section for her kids/ having a still birth the first time.  Anything like that.

- My parents treating my sister and I as younger than we are and us playing along.  It's embarrassing for other people to know and therefore private.

- Any problems any cousins or relatives are having, like A not doing well in school.

- Aunt H not being a good mother.

- R and S's old relationship.

- R and C's current relationship.

- S being sad or anything negative about her situation.

- Anything at all about my company that everyone doesn't already know.  If you don't know whether people know it or not, assume they don't.

- Anything about anyone in our group that I've told you. 

- Anything at all from the message board when anyone not on the board is included in the conversation.  Not public information and as we saw with M and that company, this stuff can affect people.

- The thing with M and that company.

- Any breakups, falling outs, cheating, or gossip of any sort about any of the group or anyone else for that matter.  This includes you and I as well.

- Anything that someone tells you in confidence.  This means you're the only person they're talking to, and they say something like "Well, I don't always say this" or they wink, or speak a little softly and come in closer to you.  Or they're just talking about breaking a rule or doing something bad or something that's wrong in their life.  These things are meant only for you and are meant to be kept secret.

Appropriate:

- Anything that everyone already knows about (Unless it's a subject people are intentionally avoiding because it's unpleasant)

- Anything universally positive, like M and H getting engaged (This doesn't include that you don't like the fact that M and H got engaged because she's not good enough for him etc.  Only that they got engaged and you're happy for them)

- Your house in France (Also universally positive)

- The fact that you're doing well at your job but you really just want to travel the world.  Everyone can relate to that.

- Anything someone tells a big group of people where they don't know everyone very well.  (Like, "this one time I was climbing a mountain and I saw a goat jump like 50 feet!!")

- Anything that makes someone else look good.  (Like, "This is my friend Laura, she's an incredible writer and right now she works for Google")

- Anything about what's going on immediately around you.  Like, "Man, this punch tastes like pure vodka"  or "Why is that dog dressed like batman?"

I hope these are enough examples.  I think I can sum it up like this:

Things that make people look good are good.  Things that lighten the mood are good.  Things that make people feel good about themselves are good.  Funny things happening in the moment are good.

Things that make people look bad are bad. Things that make people feel embarrassed are bad.  Things that make people feel sorry for themselves are bad.  Things that make the mood more serious are bad.  Problems needing solving are bad unless someone is specifically asking about them.  Gossip is bad.  Personal things are bad.  Private things are bad.

I'm definitely not perfect in these things.  All this stuff is more what I aspire to than what I actually do.  Like, I can't help but gossip sometimes and I can't help but bring up problems needing solving when there's nothing to talk about it.  Invariably, this lead the conversation down a more awkward path and it's less likely to leave someone with a positive impression of me.

I'm glad I wrote this down cuz I think about it a lot.  You know, manipulating social situations positively and making everyone have a good time. 

I love you baby, see you tomorrow!

Today....I am having one...

Today....I am having one of those days.  "Those" however, are my own special brand of days, which consist of shirking off whatever responsibility lay before me and pining for a different situation.  Its 11:00 am and I'm still at home, I have not yet gone into the office.  I feel stuck, in limbo--suspended between the world of reality and the soaring,  intangible but somehow more real world of my imagination.  Today, I feel lost.  Adrift on a current thats going the wrong way.  I want to jump off my raft and swim sideways until I reach solid ground, crashing if need be, into some sense of control over my life.  I'm sick of fighting against the days, fighting against the city, fighting to be ontime, fighting for something that I dont even give a shit about.  What a waste of my talent and energy.  What a waste of all our talents and energy. 

I am spoiled.  I know I have it good.  But I just can't help wanting to have it better.  Not better, more authentic.  More in line with who I am as a person and what I care about. 

This is where the impulsive part comes in.  It's taking a great effort for me right now not to just say Fuck it!  Im outta here!  Sometimes that is a good trait, but there are only select circumstances where that is really the best course of action.  I KNOW I need to stick with this.  I KNOW I need to force myself to go in.  Its not that bad, but in my mind it becomes this existential battle.

Part of the reason I don't want to go into the office is because I dont really have a clear idea as to what Im supposed to be doing, and the office is so distracting that even when I DO know what need to accomplish I quickly forget.  I haven't had to deal with ADD since I graduated college.  At the end of my last job, and now, in this one, I am feeling desperate to get some medication again.  See, my last boyfriend was the one who got me to go in and get the diagnosis.  And I have to say, with the exception of the hyperactive part, I could be an ADD poster child. My current boyfriend is very disapproving of the whole thing and says that ADD isn't a real problem, its just a set of personality traits and that there is nothing wrong with me, and also be believed that the medication will somehow damage my brain.   I did take medication my last year of college and it helped immensely.  Contrary to what most people say, it actually helped me personally a great deal with my creativity--I was able to hold on to my ideas long enough to write them down, or see how they fit in together.  Its like my thoughts and ideas are like daisies swirling around me in a gentle wind.  With the medication, I can pick out the ones I want and arrange them beautifully in a vase. 

I have decided to go ahead and get some medicaiton, even though it upsets him.  Its getting to the point where i could be making costly and dangerous mistakes if I dont have it.  I was going over this contract where I had filled in some of the information.  I read this thing 3 times over, and still didnt catch some seriously glaring errors.  I remember trying to fix it, trying SO HARD to focus on it and make sure that all the T's were crossed and all the i's dotted, but I couldnt do it.  I felt like I literally needed glasses.  At first I was going to keep it sort of a secret from Boyfriend, not lie, but not tell him about it either.  I have changed my mind on this.  I will go ahead with it, and I will be upfront with him about it.  This is a personal decision that I am making for myself and my body, and I feel confident now that I am not some kind of drug abuser, that I actually need this stuff on select occasions to make sure I dont lose this job.

PS: I have posted some photos and video.  None of these are recent, they are from a year or more ago, they represent happy wandering times, the places that I want to "get back" to.  I've had Weezer's song in my head "I wanna go back, I wanna go back, and I dont even know how i got on the track......"

MVI_1269

Skimboarding in Santa Barbara.  The first one is my boyfriend.  :-)   

In business, and in life...

In business, and in life, it is said that those who write down their goals are 53% more likely to achieve them than people who do not.  (ok, so I just made that number up. 50% of all statistics are made up on the spot ;)

So....here it goes. 

My current goal is to break even in commercial real estate.  I just want to make as much money as it has cost me (living expenses, etc), and I will reevaulate afterwards.  I am learning sooo much, so its great in that way, but its very easy to get sucked in to being really stressed out and running around all over the place chasing deals. 

This goal is currently keeping me sane, and when I start to lose sight of it, I seem to go off track.  I am not trying to chase the $100k I should be reaching for this year.  Fuck it.  I just wanna be able to take this or leave it. 

Really, I wanna get the hell out of this city.  My life force and youth are being sucked from me despite my best efforts and buoyancy of spirit.  I spent this weekend in Glen Ellen, the wine country, giving tours of a building my company is conducting an auction on.  The Chauvet is truly amazing, if you want to, check it out. 

I had to drive back to the city and practically abduct my spazzed out boyfriend, who actually didn't seem spazzed out to me at all until I had the benefit of the peace and perspective of staying in Glen Ellen.   My company put me up  in a modest but charming inn that backed up to a creek, and all my meals were paid for.  Despite the fact that I was working all day, I felt so alive and full of energy.  On our drive back into the urban jungle Monday, I half-joked that we should just keep driving.  We should stop by the apartment, pick up the surfboards, and not stop driving until we could use them without a wetsuit.  I saw my reflection in the side view mirror.  THAT'S me.  An impulsive, creative, vibrant young woman-- not the sallow, frowning, bad-skinned, prematurely aging professional that greets me in the bathroom mirror most mornings.  And to be fair, things have not been at all bad lately.  I haven't been stressing out, Boyfriend and I have been very close, loving, and happy.  But going away for the short time we did  just confirmed and reconfirmed that WE HAVE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE before the city claims us.

Its not you, its me.

This was written 2 weeks ago.  Did I mention Im good at procrastinating?

As confirmed in both my meetings this morning, and also in casual conversation, I am socially retarded.  The theme of today seems to be "Stupid!  Stupidstupidstupid! (slapping self on the head).  In semi-business conversation I've used the words "dumb" and "cranky"--in reference to other people. . 

Not only am I socially retarded, but I can't express my feelings.  I was upset at my boyfriend last night. He left his dinner dishes in a spot I needed to work in, I said something to him like "please pick up your dishes I need to work here", and he probably wasn't listening, as usual.  His excuse for not listening in general is based on some study that concluded that men's brains process women's higher pitched voices with the same part that processes music, but that they hear men's voices in a lower-level basic communication part of the brain.

He is not a slob in general, but lately he literally just drops things exactly where they were in whatever moment he is done using them--He left a carton of eggs on the counter, which had been there at least an hour since he had cooked himself dinner, as well as an empty sausage container, in addition to the dishes. I just want him to pick up after himself.  I have mentioned this repeatedly in the last week.   And in this instance, I was sick of picking up after him, and I wasn't gonna do it--BUT I needed the items moved if I was to work.  So instead of taking said items to the sink,  I relocated them to the coffee table, in the sight-line of where he was, surprise!  playing video games. 

I did this because Im sick of nagging.  Its degrading to both parties involved.  I tried asking him, and was too tired to break through and "get" his attention.  He was very upset when he noticed his dishes and trash in front of him.  He said that I was acting out, being bitchy, etc, etc, and in the best authoritative voice he could muster over such a silly thing, told me that I had better clean that up or I was in trouble.  I just stared him down, pursed my lips and shook my head.  No.  No I am not moving those things again.  He was visibly upset, but I was not moving my ground.  Finally, he did it, but said I was in trouble, why was I acting like such a bitch, i had better apologize, etc.  I forget what I said exactly, but I was quietly furious and wasn't gonna budge on this one. 

Half an hour later into this standoff, he pulls me close to him, and I can feel he's hard as a rock.  He smiled at me and said, what can I say?  I can't help it that it turns me on when you show a little backbone.

UPDATE:  Since then he's been taking most of his dishes to the sink, and even some of mine.  And he's been doing at least half,  sometimes more than half, of his share around here. 

And I'm standing up for myself more. 

My car smells amazing.

My car smells amazing.  I started surfing my last semester in college.  I often kept my board in the car, and a mix of surf wax and sand melted onto some of the upholstery and puddled in that middle area where the emergency brake goes.  Also during this time, I accidentally spilled almost an entire 5 gallon jug of water on the floor of the passenger side while rounding a corner.  To combat the musty smell while that dried, I kept a craft store eucalyptus wreath in the backseat.

The water eventually dried, and the wreath stayed.  The smell of melted surf wax and eucalyptus is amazing, to me at least. Despite the fact that since then, the seats and carpet have been washed and the entire car detailed, the fragrance remains.  It takes me back to one of the happiest most carefree times of my life, and serves as a reminder that money is not what it takes to be fulfilled in this life.