Usually, when I feel this way its one of two things happening: Either I am picking up on something that's going on with him, or there is an issue that needs to come to the surface.
Our lives are just so jammed packed full, every single day, there precious little time that we're actually relating. Things were really great there for a while, he was "falling for me" again. he definitely has seemed smitten lately, though I've been kinda preoccupied. He went home for the easter weekend and since he's been back things are not the same. They're not bad, but its just different, you know?
I feel strange. Right now, in this moment, I feel ambivalent. Like I could take him or leave him. I am not sure why that is, because we are very attached. Something has switched over inside of me and I am no longer waiting for him to 'decide' if he wants to keep me. (as in, marriage). He is no longer the deciding factor in whether or not I stay in SF. I mean, if he got a job in Hawaii or something, or wanted to throw it all away and go traveling, i'd probably be right there. Really, the ambivalence is just speculation on my part, knowing me I'd get to my car and go crying back upstairs.
Much of this transformation into a woman that I mentioned earlier is about setting boundaries. Its about saying This is where I end and you begin. Its about saying "No" rather than "Yes", and not apologizing for it, both out in the world and in relationships. Even within myself.
I forget how this came up, but he was, I dunno, upset about something I said at party. We spoke over the phone, and part jokingly, part sarcastically, and part seriously, I told him to bullet point it out for me and email it over.
So.....he did.
To be fair, I am "guilty" of at least half of what he wrote in the email. We spoke that night--he was saying "If I'm going to be with you, you're gonna HAVE to do this, etc, etc" I was basically like, ok, for some of this you really do have a point, but you know what? I'm not perfect, and I definitely WANT to be socially appropriate and will try hard to do so, but I am NOT going to start censoring myself. I am not going to weigh and measure every word before I say something. I am a person who is very candid and very open. I know I have room to improve, but some of this is never going to go away, and thats a good thing. This is who I am. You're not going to shape me into a terrine so that I make you look good at a dinner party. And if you did, you would be losing out on some of what makes me cool.
He said I might have a point. I do not know if he accepted this and now respects me more for it, or if he's feeling like its a dealbreaker. This could be the source of the rift.
Or.....it could be the lunch he had with his ex over the weekend that he forgot to tell me about. I stole him from her, kinda. It was a nebulous situation, but he was most definitely her boyfriend for a time. That was almost three years ago, so.......I win! . A little detective work leads me to think that (despite her long term bf) she might have him on her mind again. He's very attractive, much more so than her current man, so I'm sure when she saw him some of those feelings were roused again. I know he's not interested in her, but could be a factor in the distant vibe.
I will admit that I have difficulty, due to the fact that I have a hard time reading social cues and I sometimes have no clue that what I'm saying is socially awkward or uncouth. Oddly, sometimes I am ON and almost scary good at it.
When I got this email, it made me want to both laugh and scream at him.
Hey baby,
sorry to make you sad earlier. Don't take this as
criticism!! I've known this about you for a long time and it's
something I like about you :) M V is exactly the same way.
Anyway,
here's a list of things which are appropriate to tell people and things
that are inappropriate. For anything not on the list, if you wonder
whether it's appropriate or not, it's probably not. Also, generally
anything that makes you or I or us look bad is not appropriate. Or at
the very least will make whoever you're talking to feel uncomfortable.
So here goes:
Not appropriate:
- Anything about us having sex
-
Anything about current medical problems (eg, "R tore his ass
snowboarding!" Or, "I've had this weird rash for a week now...")
- Anything between me and my family or you and your family
that you or I happen to be privy to only because we've seen it or are
now closer to the family. This includes my sister and I fighting, my
mom and dad fighting, your dad being in jail, your mom being crazy,
your sister's problems, my mom being over weight, the fact that we
share socks, pretty much ANYTHING that someone wouldn't already know
having never met us.
- The breast feeding thing. Duh.
- SN having a c-section for her kids/ having a still birth the first time. Anything like that.
-
My parents treating my sister and I as younger than we are and us
playing along. It's embarrassing for other people to know and
therefore private.
- Any problems any cousins or relatives are having, like A not doing well in school.
- Aunt H not being a good mother.
- R and S's old relationship.
- R and C's current relationship.
- S being sad or anything negative about her situation.
-
Anything at all about my company that everyone doesn't already know. If
you don't know whether people know it or not, assume they don't.
- Anything about anyone in our group that I've told you.
-
Anything at all from the message board when anyone not on the board is
included in the conversation. Not public information and as we saw
with M and that company, this stuff can affect people.
- The thing with M and that company.
- Any breakups,
falling outs, cheating, or gossip of any sort about any of the group
or anyone else for that matter. This includes you and I as well.
-
Anything that someone tells you in confidence. This means you're the
only person they're talking to, and they say something like "Well, I
don't always say this" or they wink, or speak a little softly and come
in closer to you. Or they're just talking about breaking a rule or
doing something bad or something that's wrong in their life. These
things are meant only for you and are meant to be kept secret.
Appropriate:
- Anything that everyone already knows about (Unless it's a subject people are intentionally avoiding because it's unpleasant)
-
Anything universally positive, like M and H getting engaged
(This doesn't include that you don't like the fact that M and H
got engaged because she's not good enough for him etc. Only that they
got engaged and you're happy for them)
- Your house in France (Also universally positive)
- The fact that you're doing well at your job but you really just want to travel the world. Everyone can relate to that.
-
Anything someone tells a big group of people where they don't know
everyone very well. (Like, "this one time I was climbing a mountain
and I saw a goat jump like 50 feet!!")
- Anything that makes someone else look good. (Like, "This is
my friend Laura, she's an incredible writer and right now she works for
Google")
- Anything about what's going on immediately around
you. Like, "Man, this punch tastes like pure vodka" or "Why is that
dog dressed like batman?"
I hope these are enough examples. I think I can sum it up like this:
Things
that make people look good are good. Things that lighten the mood are
good. Things that make people feel good about themselves are good.
Funny things happening in the moment are good.
Things that make people look bad are bad. Things that make
people feel embarrassed are bad. Things that make people feel sorry
for themselves are bad. Things that make the mood more serious are
bad. Problems needing solving are bad unless someone is specifically
asking about them. Gossip is bad. Personal things are bad. Private
things are bad.
I'm definitely not perfect in these things. All this stuff is
more what I aspire to than what I actually do. Like, I can't help but
gossip sometimes and I can't help but bring up problems needing solving
when there's nothing to talk about it. Invariably, this lead the
conversation down a more awkward path and it's less likely to leave
someone with a positive impression of me.
I'm glad I wrote this down cuz I think about it a lot. You
know, manipulating social situations positively and making everyone
have a good time.
I love you baby, see you tomorrow!
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